July 12, 2006 (Bloomfield, CT): 

        Three dissatisfied squirrels were limited to fallen seeds from an unreachable bird feeder in a Bloomfield backyard. "We used to have free access to a feeder here," recalled one of the three unhappy varmints, adding, "I guess this proves there really is no free lunch--at least not anymore."  The tenant of the Bloomfield residence who had replaced the old feeder with the new squirrel-proof feeder was unavailable for comment, but a witness said there were no BB holes in the new one, evidence that the squirrels, while perhaps slimmer than their forebears, were subject to diminished risk. A second, self-proclaimed libertarian squirrel, when asked about the apparent change in risk-benefit, complained that she would rather "the 'powers that be' leave the squirrels to their own devices and cease all interference with the free consumption of sunflower seeds, risky or not!"  "Besides," she added, "the blood of squirrels is the seed of the perch." 

             However, local squirrel insurers in Hartford, Connecticut, had lobbied strongly for these safety precautions for nearly a decade.  An employee of the Hartford spoke on condition of anonymity, "We had to grease a lot of wheels to get the initiative passed, but we maintain that the increased regulation will have a beneficial impact on the economy."  Although the beaver is known as the more industrious cousin of the squirrel, widespread use of squirrel-proof bird feeders may ultimately bolster squirrels' reputations by forcing them to actually work for their food.  However, one interested party finds the change disheartening.  Bill Oppener, CEO of Bird Seed, Inc., bemoaned the foreseeable effect on the corporation's bottom line: "We're not against squirrel safety by any means, but this regulation  eliminates a large percentage of a market that we've been tapping for decades."  While Mr. Oppener had little hopes for a government subsidy, head counsel at Bird Seed, Inc., Sue M. Ahl, confirmed that the corporation would challenge the regulatory action as unconstitutional as violative of the Equal Protection Clause.  "Despite a general lack of precedent as concerns squirrels, we remain confident that the general squirreliness evidenced in many judicial opinions since the Warren Court's institution of the "Dormant" Commerce Clause creates persuasive authority that might be applied to all creatures." 

        For now, though, the squirrels are taking their new situation with a grain of salt and consuming all the "seeds that fall by the wayside."  Conjecture circulating on various blogs suggested that the notorious squirrel bosses will have devised alternative means of extracting the seeds from the new feeder by winter.  However, a representative of the De Squirelione family scoffed at the speculation: "We have always respected and will continue to respect the neighborhood regulations, but it does make one wonder whether the 'powers that be' had truly asked what they were 'walling in or walling out.' We won't be left to our pines forever!"

       One thing is certain.  Whether permanent or temporary, this quiet Bloomfield residence is enjoying a peaceful summer -- even if its bushy-tailed residents can't "have their suet-cake and eat it too."